Friday April....oops May 1, 2009

I wrote an email to a friend and he said it would make a good blog, so here it goes...by the way, i am going to say "Friend' because i am being taught good blog ettiquette....but just so we know which friend i am talking about...Karl...he is a good close friend, so close we were married once....no last names, see? I am doing it right, right?
ok, here is the 'blog'

Did I ever answer this question about if MRSA killed my daddy? MRSA shut down his organs so in essence, he did die from it, but not technically…congestive heart failure was what they wrote on teh certificate....its what they write on all certificates. Mom had pancreatic cancer but died from congestive heart failure. I guess we all die from not breathing, so they can put that on all our death certs, right? ok, moving on.

….we pulled his ventilator, he slowly stopped breathing…I am so mad because I didn’t stick around to watch his last hours. we were all there for the 'pulling' but not for the 'dying'….i pictured him gasping for breath and thrashing around…I didn’t want to see that…none of us did. My other brothers (two halfs and one foster) and my x best friend all went out for dinner after we did the ventilator thing. Joni Stepmonster) and toni (Stepsister) stuck around….we were told by the doctors that people who had lived on so little oxygen for so long didn’t automatically ‘expire’ right after pulling the ventilator, that they sometimes lasted for days. There was no telling. They said that they were probably going to move him to another room because his ICU room was needed for other more critical patients. We were all given the distinct impression that we had time, that we could leave and come back….but none of us (brothers and me) wanted that. we were all very comfortable with our “good byes’ and when we left, we didn’t plan on coming back…I wanted to remember him laying there peacefully….oh God, he was so thirsty and kept asking for water…and they kept putting him off…he had been with out a drink of water for days, even though he was hydrated, it didn’t matter, he was thirsty…he kept asking me to get him a drink, I kept asking the nurses…they kept saying, “ in a sec”…he never got his drink of water….when the nurse said “in 5 minutes’ I told daddy and I will never forget how mentally “THERE” he was because when I told him, he rolled his eyes like ‘Oh yeah, right”…oh God…he was so mentally fine…his body was just not fine..

So…we all go to dinner, thinking Dad was going to be around for several hours….and we got the call in about one hour that he had gone….and that he woke up, turned to Joni and toni and said, “Am I dead yet?” and they ran over to him and comforted him and told him “no silly, you're not dead, you're right here and so are we”…then he closed his eyes, calmly laid back and died.
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME TELLING MY FATHER HE WASN’T DEAD YET, THAT EVERYTHIGN WAS FINE AND THA IT WAS RIGHT THERE. …not my fucking step sister….or stepmonster…oh God….

She made us all feel like shit after that…how “his own flesh and blood left him to die alone and how she was there” blah blah this has been eating at me for 5 years…..i should have been there for my dads last breath, ya know?I just thought once he realize he was out of air, that he was going to gasp and struggle and …well…act like someone suffocating…but he didn’t…he just peacefully passed away…without me being there…..oh God.
Well, I sure got myself all in a tizzy didn’t I?

His birthday is coming up and I have no grave to go visit him….stepmonter is keeping him from me….in a box, in her clost….no one can go see him, not just me….how cruel is that? She has a new man, a new life…why keep him from being in a grave where people can go visiti him….she wasn’t able to keep us apart while he was alive, though she sure tried…but now she sure can do it…and she is.

I wish I had someone to help me stand up to her….graves are not something I ever thought I cared about….but there is something about going and sitting near one, and talking, reflecting…just being with that persons memory in some peaceful environment…I know…people say “Make your own grave for him Susan. Bury his cowboy boot”…well, it isn't the same God dammit…I want his grave…I want my Dad out of her clutches…and into a grave where his sons and daughter and friends can go ‘be with him’.
Oh God, I gotta stop/

Well, I have been given the low down on all Blogger ettiquette. Having never used one of these, I had no idea that I was not supposed to use last names or be too literal. This is, after all, a public forum and I need to temper my urge to be brutally honest. This is NOT my own personal diary and people have access to this.
My good friend Karl helped me to see the blogger light. I had to go back and do some clean up....but i did and now i am all set. One thing, i have become so lazy when it comes to capitolizing my "I"s when referring to myself. Also, the first letter of each sentence is another challenge. I have WORD and with it comes "Auto Correct"...in other words, it fixes all my goofs. I dont have to spell correctly, i dont have to punctuate properly becasue it does it all for me. I find when I use the computers at school or at the library, or anywhere for that matter, I have to really be careful because it doesnt correct my goofs for me.
I have what I call "Typlexia". I swap letters in words like "Have" and "That" and so many others. They awlasy (there, that's an example right tehre...oops and there too). I write 'Hvae" and "Taht" without fail. So, i went in and put those words in my "Auto correct" so I never have to worry about it. Well.... if i am going to be a successful blogger, I need to be a good typist and stop being lazy. So, i am goign to do just that. I see a 'spell check" and sometimes it is just easier to go back and correct the mistakes at the end of the piece, rather than doing it all while i am writing.
We will see. I am mad at myself becasue instead of writing in my books I have been working on, (Not working on would be a more correct term) I am writing in these useless, waste of time blogs....no one is going to read this. I hope everyone is going to read my books, if i ever get them written, then published.
I have great ideas. I wont go into any details because if what Karl said is true, someone could come in here, read my ideas and then get to it faster than i do and write MY book. Now, i know no one would or could write 'my story'. But i do have two other ideas for a great book/movie and those could easily be stolen.

Ok, that's all for now. I am going to go tanning.

ok, here it is. i was looking for this for a long time. It is April 26th, 2009. I dont have anything to say so I am going to go now but i just wanted to find this again. Thanks Karl

I am new to this and I have just read "V"'s critique on the movie "Alone in the Dark". It was hysterical and well...very accurate. Who is this person "V"? And how come he isn't a professional movie critic? Or maybe they already are one. I dont' know the sex of this person so I am referring to them as "they" "it" or any other ambigous term used when referring to a person of unknown origin.
I am not a regular "blogger" and have found my own personal diaries to be just fine in the past, for writing down my feelings about things. I am also a notorious "Letter to the Editor" person, having had over 30 letters to the editor published in these last 10 years. I love having my opinions being published for all to see. "All" meaning those living in Snohomish County, Washington State.
Ok, well, that is it for now. I hope to be back, and I would love to have "V" contact me so we could discuss other movies. He or she has the same sardonic wit as I do and I love that...Bwaaaahahahahaha....loved that.. As for his opinion of Tara Ried being able to play anything but a dim witted, dumb brunette gone blonde with escaping mammories....he nailed her so accurately, top dead center, full tilt boogie right on.

Peace, out...
Susan ooops.. I mean "Sploozy"...